GAMEDAY 9/27: Everybody on the Vandwagon

I am not feeling very witty this week as you could probably guess after watching the train wreck in knoxvlle on Saturday, but I am going to make an attempt.  The Third Saturday in September didn’t go off like I had hoped, and I had to sit there while Tennessee got smoked in person.  More on that later, though.  There are quite a few interesting matchups this week, not the least of which is a very good Alabama team heading to face Georgia in a blacked-out Sanford Stadium.  We also have a lackluster Tennessee team headed south to the always lovely Auburn, Alabama in an attempt to get back to .500 in Jordan-Hare Stadium and regain some dignity.  Should be an exciting week for some of you!

RECAP OF LAST WEEKEND:

Chuck Noland and Wilson are big Tennessee fans seeing as they are from Tennessee, and I count them as the lucky ones that don’t have to be here to see this garbage, being stranded aside.  What has happened to our program that we had in the 90s? Here’s your fun fact of the week courtesy of ESPN writer, Chris Low: Fulmer is 11-14 in this decade against our biggest rivals – Alabama, Florida and Georgia.  Read into it what you will.

Last week, BDLC, AWCC, and I drove up to Knoxville on Friday night to get ready for the game.  We had some great cds for the trip and the ensuing tailgate on Saturday morning that we rocked out to on the way.  We arrived finally and checked into the Hilton Hotel (BDLC got us the hookup).  After a few beers at the hotel, we started the long walk toward the strip after we got tired of waiting on a cab outside.  Cumberland was a madhouse!  We went in some crappy place because there was no line, and we quickly realized there was no line because it was just that – crappy.  We finished our 16 oz. Champagnes of Beer and moved on down the strip.  There were some great places, but they all had long lines, too.  It was at this point that I suggested Old College Inn because it has plenty of space and hopefully the Florida riff-raff hadn’t figured out that it was all the way down there.  I was right (no Gaytors), and it had a line but not that long of one.  It was a blast, other than the long long LONG wait for beer and YAYGA BUMS!  We walked home and finally got to sleep at 3.

On Saturday, like devoted fans, we were there carrying the torch and setting up our tailgate at 8:15 a.m.  We cooked bagels and sausage on the grill, and it was a hit with all of our neighbors.  Then we commenced drinking beers and playing cornhole on BDLC’s brand new boards.  They had Power Ts on them, and they ended up being featured briefly on the Channel 6 news that night, thus making us famous.  Our tailgate was also featured along with our next door neighbors, which was an honor.  Chatt Girl showed up finally, and my cuz Aud was there for most of the day.  Even Ghost from 3SIB showed up with his dad in tow.   It was truly a great time.  I started cooking the gator tail that I had for the occasion by my special recipe.  I have cooked it two years running, and it was great both times, as my friends could attest.  This time was a disaster, and I think it’s because I had to buy it frozen because I couldn’t get any fresh in time.  It was completely disgustingly nastily fishy tasting.  I had to throw it out, and I am so pissed about it.  Lesson learned: never buy frozen gator tail.  Always do what I did in ‘06 and ‘07 and get it shipped up fresh from a gator farm in Louisiana.

We made our way to the game, and it was great until the clock actually started running.  We had incredible seats in Section W, but the people down there were complete assholes (yes, fellow UT fans).  BDLC and AWCC were really fired up before the game, and they were trying to get the whole section riled up and raucous.  That was our only advantage in that game … NOISE and atmosphere.  They didn’t appreciate it and wanted to sit in their seats the entire time.  BDLC and AWCC were reported to the cops by some b***h that was sitting behind us, who told them that if they kept it up that they would be escorted out of the stadium.  Un-freaking-believable.  Who knew that if you were loud, excited, and standing at a football game that was a bad thing?  Only in Neyland Stadium: the lamest 100,000 people on the planet.

I won’t go into the game because you all know what happened.  After the game, we went and ate at SunSpot, which was phenomenal and tried to lick our wounds.  The worst part of the day was the hour that we had to wait at Stokely to get our freaking truck unlocked.  Not thinking earlier in the day, BDLC accidentally locked AWCC’s keys in the truck, and we had to get a locksmith to unlock the door for us.  We dropped BDLC off, who went to hang out with our friend Mel, and AWCC went to sleep.  Chatt Girl and I headed to the always fun Barleys to finish off the night.  We listened to a great 70s/80s/90s band and drank some brews.  I ended up hitting on one of the hottest 37 year olds I had ever met, and it was hilarious.  I ended up managing to have a good time that night despite the loss, and it showed me something.  That something is that I have matured as a fan over the years.  I can go to the game and have a good time, and if we lose it still sucks just as bad.  But I am learning how to not let the suckiness and the depression completely ruin my good time.  I am growing up, YAY!  And just in time because this is going to be a very. long. season.

As for the rest of the games, I have only one team I want to mention.  The most surprising development to me is that in the year of our Lord 2008, you have to turn your eyes west to Nashville to find the best team in the state of Tennessee.  Vanderbilt is off this week, but holy cow are they rocking and rolling right now!  Four and oh!  I picked them to win their game last week, but it is no less shocking to me when they do.  They sit atop the SEC rankings with an undefeated record.  For any Tennessee fans who are looking for a way to spend their time on Saturdays the rest of the season, there is room on the VANDWAGON, and if you are considering it, Diezba at Star & Stripe has some advice for you.  Diezba says come into the fold if you like stylishness, loyalty, family, great seats, good colors, bowties, and Steve Martin (a.k.a. Bobby J).  Oh, and did I mention they are undefeated?  I will not be jumping on the wagon because I will ride the Vols into the fiery pits of a 1-11 season if that’s what it takes, but I am intrigued by what a football season looks like with the Commodores finishing ahead of the Vols in the East.  Make the naughty ride stop!  If you want to jump on the wagon of the B.N.V., then go right ahead!  I’ll stay right here and go down with my ship as the Vol Navy continues to burn.

THIS WEEK:

This week’s games brought to you by the annual Fulmer-scuse (we’re workin’ like heck blah blah blah), Cinderella Pirate, and the new and improved Vandwagon.  We got your AP rankings and all game times are Eastern.

Virginia @ Duke (12:00/ESPNU) – Coach Cut left Tennessee after last year, and I don’t think he would have even thought Duke would have a better record than Tennessee after three games.  Maybe the same record, but he has Duke at 2-1 so far!  It’s a tough road, but if Cut can get these boys to beat a couple teams that are capable of being beaten and pull off a couple upsets, Duke football may be going to a bowl game.  I know that is way premature, but I just wanted to throw it out there.  I just wish he coached another crappy program besides the Dukies because then I could actually root for them.  I am picking Duke in my upset game of the week.

You have no chance to survive

Ole Miss @ #4 Florida (12:00/RAYCOM) – Here comes another bloodbath, and hopefully I can catch some of it on Raycom, if for nothing else than to watch the expressions on Houston Nutt’s face.  All our base are belong to Florida.  Seriously.  All your base do, too. WE HAVE NO CHANCE TO SURVIVE! Even when they don’t play their best game (they didn’t against Tennessee), they still look like world-beaters.  Our defense played pretty good, and Florida still managed to score thirty.  Ole Miss still sucks, so I don’t really expect this to be much of a game.  Other than that, all I will say is that I am sick and tired of losing to Urban Meyer and to Florida.  The crappy thing is that I will have to wait until next year to try to see it again … and if I want to see it in person, I have to drive to freaking Gainesville.  Kill me now.  Maybe Teblow will do the unthinkable and go to the NFL.  Gators by 21.

Arkansas @ #7 Texas (3:30/ABC) – I was negligent in failing to include the Texas/Rice game last week for the beautiful and charming Hale Yeah, but she was right that they were going to beat the snot out of Rice.  Total ass-beating.  This week is interesting because we have an SEC team versus Texas, but the crappy thing is that it isn’t Arkansas of the past year or two or another good SEC team to give them a challenge.  I wish I could see Florida, Georgia, LSU, or Alabama play this Texas team.  Now that would be exciting.  Maybe Arkansas, who is bringing up the rear of the conference along with the Vols, will have a good game and pull off something crazy.  Texas by 30.  Yes, 30.

#9 Wisconsin @ Michigan (3:30/ABC) – This game is only on here because I like to laugh at Michigan and especially against their coach.  They suck, and Richie Rod is a prick, as I tell you week in and week out.  I hope Wisconsin beats them bad, and I take them by two touchdowns.

Image from Track 'Em Tigers

Tennessee @ #15 Auburn (3:30/CBS) -  Auburn lost in a heartbreaker last week to LSU, 26-21.  They had the game won, and LSU just got it done in the end, as they have so many times against Tennessee.  Auburn has a pretty good football team … I think.  Just not entirely sure yet.  I am not entirely sure about a lot of things this season.  Like any sane person, I love a good haiku, and here is the best one from commenter “InBruceWeTrust” on Rocky Top Talk’s weekly haiku contest this week:

“I say “woe is me
that still cheers for tennessee”
just masochism”

Masochism indeed.  And what’s even more masochistic than that?  GOING TO THE GAME, OF COURSE!!!  Yes, I will be making the trek down to Auburn for the game.  It will only be my second time going to a game in The Loveliest Village On the Plains, the first being last year for the Ole Mess game.  It was a lot of fun, and I drank way too much John Daniels before the game.  I ended up leaving at halftime (you can be a leaver unless it’s your team) because I had to go watch the Tennessee – South Carolina game on television at the

Tradition: Painting the Rock in Knoxville (post-Florida) - picture from LWS

tailgate.  I ended up scaring the jeebus out of some little girl because I kept grabbing her by the shoulders and screaming, “FULMER BALL!!!!!”  Between that, tripping over rocks, and falling when I tried to make a drunken leap over a cooler, I really needed to be cut off.  That was just the beginning, and I will probably make a post sometime this week recounting my time in Auburn for the Ole Miss game.  That town seriously tried to kill me.

Anyway, I will be there doing some tailgating stuff with Will, T-Bag, BDLC, AWCC, and anyone else who is hospitable enough to have me.  Hopefully, the game isn’t as cruel to us as last week, but I fully expect Auburn to beat us.  I think we have a shot as long as our defense can keep us in the game, and I will be screaming loudly for that to happen.  GO VOLS!!!

FIRE FULMER IS AT DEFCON THREE: I still haven’t joined the movement as of yet, although it is gaining a lot of steam.  Many of my fellow Vol bloggers have joined up.  ANYONE ELSE?  For those of you that are ready for the coaching search to begin, my buddy Ghost has put together an exhaustive list of potential hires for your perusal.  Who do you want?  I want to know, and Ghost does, too (his pick is Auburn’s former DC, Will Muschamp).  Comment over there with your pick and make sure you tell us about it here as well.

Houston @ #23 East Carolina (3:30/CSTV) – This Cinderella Pirate thing that Hale Yeah did still hasn’t gotten old yet.  Not because I have any beef with East Carolina fans, actually I was rooting for them.  I just like to be right, and after getting hosed by the last second heroics of Kentucky beating MTSU two weeks ago in my upset pick, it was cool that it actually happened this week.  I am getting the knack of this upset picking thing, so watch out for Duke this week.  East Carolina’s Cinderella story has ended, just as I predicted.  They held on to their top 25 ranking, and this week, I fully expect them to redeem themselves and beat Houston.  ECU by ten.

Purdue @ Notre Dame (3:30/NBC) – I was wrong last week in picking Jimmy Clausen and his muppets to win that game.  They didn’t even keep it close, but their season is still going okay.  This week, I am picking them again to beat Purdue, which is amazing because this is the exact opposite of last year when I started out the season by picking against them in every single game.

#25 Fresno State @ UCLA (3:30/ABC) – UCLA continues to be almost as big an embarrassment as the Tennessee Vols, the team which they beat in the first game.  They are now 1-2, losing their second consecutive game 31-10 at the hands of Arizona.  For all those people who were wondering whether Tennessee was overrated or UCLA was underrated, I think we can finally answer that question with confidence: TENNESSEE SUCKS BUT SO DOES UCLA.  Fresno St. by 35 (take Fresno minus the points Big Daddy).

Western Kentucky @ Kentucky (7:00/GAMEPLAN) – Oh fun, another in-state clash that doesn’t amount to a hill of beans.  Kentucky wins by seven in a game not worth watching.

UAB @ South Carolina (7:00/UNTELEVISED) – UAB gets a crack at another SEC team, and I am sure South Carolina will be up for the challenge.  Spurrier has declared that no one’s job is safe on the team and that it is practically back to square one (seems like he does this every year).  That means that they will probably demolish the Blazers by 150 points because if there is one thing that Spurrier loves more than winning … it is making Tennessee and Phil Fulmer look bad.  South Carolina by 24.

Mississippi State @ #5 LSU (7:30/ESPNU) – Mississippie is going to get crushed.  Les “Homeaux” Miles and the Bayou Bengals by 21.

GAME OF THE WEEK:

#8 Alabama @ #3 Georgia (7:45/ESPN) – I said last week that I just wasn’t interested in Georgia yet, but it is officially time.  Georgia is now on my radar, especially now that it’s time for a blackout!

Alabama beat the jeebus out of Arkansas last week, and they are looking like one of the best teams in the country.  Georgia looks great, too, and these are just two of the many SEC teams that look like they can’t be stopped.  One of them will get their cheerios peed in this weekend though.  I don’t really know who to pick, although I almost want to pick Georgia because of home advantage and the blackout.  I want to pick ‘Bama at the same time, even though I hate their guts more than anything on the planet.  Hmmmm.  I am going to flip a coin.  Seriously.  BRB ………………….. Alabama it is.  In a close one.  Do not doubt my coin-flip prediction abilities.

Enjoy your weekend football fans, and I’ll see you all next week!  Until then, if you are a non-UT fan you can enjoy this clip from one of my favorite shows of all time (especially “the Vanderbilts” part – how fitting).  It’s a bad time in Big Orange Country:

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