tOSU vs. USC Live Blog

Well maybe it’s not really live, more like stream of consciousness, but I’m going to type all of this in real time.  Maybe we’ll try a live blog next week if enough of you people sit in your mothers basement on the computer all night.  Sorry I’m late.   I tried to drive around this haggard town that I live in in hopes of finding some Sweatwater IPA but alas there was none.   We’re rocking the MicUltra.  So, I’m a little bit late and drinking girly beer.  Here we go.

2nd Quarter. 

USC Driving.  Lisa Salters just reported that Pete Carrol said the Trojans were going to try and score 100.  I don’t think the Sweatervest will approve of such a move.  By the way, when did he start wearing Transitions lenses.  Those things are skrait up bitchin’.      Pause.     Pause.     Not.

Ok.  Whoever that USC kid is who just took the corner is one of the fastest people on the planet.  +1 to the tOSUfailboater who got the angle on him.  And USC uses simple play action to fool the Buckeyes.  14-3.  This has a good chance of getting out of hand. 

11:00 2nd Quarter – Muscburger is already trying to keep this thing interesting.  I need another beer in order to tolerate his nonsensical whore ramble.  Herbstriet just said that “clearly the momentum has shifted.”  Really?  USC has scored 14 points in like 98 seconds.  Sun rises in the East, right? 

Wait a second.  Are the Failboats driving?  Well, they were until that pesky yellow flag came out.  Instead of first and goal we’re looking at… Ok, before I could finish that thought another flag comes out after a Beckman TD pass.   And there it goes wide right.  Excellent work.  This is about to get really ugly.  Another Beanie Wells mug shot.  Could we please focus on Erin Andrews instead of the Beaner?  Thanks.

Umm… I just took a quick phone break and come back to see a USC player trying to score.  And he’s on defense.  This is officially turning into Sweatervest’s worst nightmare.  Why didn’t I put my life savings on this game?  Gotta love the USC players piling on Boekman after that pick. 

Little over 2 minutes in the first half.  Terrell Pryor takes really long steps and is pretty quick.  That could spell trouble for small to intermediate sized schools for the next 3 years.  The Buckeyes are trying to get more on the board before the half and boy do they need it.  Boekman just got whiplash and we’ve got a Fumbalia!!!!  USC ball.   And #4 is still ridiculously fast.  Either that or tOSU is just that horrible.  I guess it’s up in the air.  We’ve got a time out and Sweatervest is in the middle of the defensive huddle.  I wonder what he’s saying.  Hmm… “Please guys, I beg you.  I BEG YOU!!! Don’t let them score again.  We can catch the bus at halftime and be back in Ohio by midnight!”

There was just a 5 second promotion for the ABC show “Wipeout” and I highly recommend it.  That show is hysterical.  People falling is the second funniest thing ever.  Right after tOSU getting their ass handed to them in a bag with a beautiful bow.  Interception tOSU and boy was that a nice play.  Take it to half.  What are the odds that theFailboats show up for the second half?   

Halftime:  Charlie Weis will not have surgery to fix his knee.  Wow.  Big surprise there.  No way that guy has the balls to make it through a legit rehad.  Chase Daniels is putting up crazy numbers but somebody just said, “and Nevada’s not a bad team.”  Before I get on Nevada, I will say that Daniels’ 88% completion rating is unbelievable, but dude, anyone who gives up 69 points is a bad team.  69 points is giving up more than a point a minute, 15 points a quarter, or 180 points every down- something like that.  Nevada had a short, nonmuscular white guy in their secondary.  You get it. 

And we’re back.  3rd Quarter.  We’ve got an EA sighting.  Great start.  I have no idea what she said.  That USC offensive coordinator looks like a smart dude.  I wonder if looking smart has anything to do with football success .  Probably not.  USC punting

tOSU ball.  Wait, it’s not really theirs’ (wtf, I have zero idea on how to properly punctuate that nor do I feel like looking it up), they can’t even move it.  I mean really.  How in the world were they a #5 team.  I need to see a stat on yardage from the first half.  Do they really have all 11 men on the field?

USC Ball.  Joe McKnight is #4, the fast guy.  Never head of him.  I guess you could say that my east coast bias is obvious right now.  Wow.  Auburn won 3-2.  In football.  That’s just plain ridiculous and you’ll hear more about it in the Weekend Roundup.  Sanchez just threw a rocket to the wide out on a seam route.  Redonk how tOSU can’t cover that, but USC and Sanchez are starting to look super legit.

tOSU scared.  A first down and then intenitional grounding and a sack.  Beokman’s mother is starting to get worried about her son’s health.  So are all the Buckeye’s, except for Pryor.  Kid is ready to get with it.  Punting.  Again.

USC screen and the chunky fullback looking guy is still a step faster than any one on tOSU.  Buckeye’s opt for a late hit and now Sanchez can spit in the endzone.  Holy mother of god that guy was WIDE OPEN. 

tOSU Pryor in.  Attempts high school voo-doo move on grown men, fails.  Punting.  Epic set of downs.  3rdQ over.

4th Quarter USC ball.  That should have been pass interference and I think Pete Carrol does to.  Too bad for both of us.  No call and USC is punting it away. 

tOSU.  Well this won’t take long as we’ve got an duck thrown up and another USC pick.  I’m not starting a new paragraph for this anymore.  Part of the reason is the thefailboats are so horribly overmatched that it’s sad.  Oh man USC just went for it on fourth, up 35-3 and tOSU held it.  I hate saying this, but good for them.  Maybe they will drive down the field, score, and really piss of the Trojans.  tOSU does something.  I clicked over to gchat and totally lost my train of thought.  Beer me.  And poopy, this is the last MicUltra.  Do I raid Dad’s Natty Light?  Probably not. 

Ok.  We’ve still got 4 minutes left but this thing is getting out of hand and I’d like to enjoy my last brew.  You fellas have a good night.  And tomorrow ask yourself, “How in the world was tOSU only getting 11 and a half and how in the hell did I not take USC?”