GAMEDAY 9/6: How to win by 24 points and drop in the polls

First off, I am so glad that Tennessee has this weekend off.  Actually, it might be a good idea for the team to just go ahead and take this whole season off to think things over and decide whether having a football team is something that the University wants to continue to pursue.  I jest – I will always pull hard for my Vols in good times and bad, but In all seriousness, that was one of the worst experiences of my sports viewing life.  I won’t rehash it here, because I did my ranting after the game.  This season may get worse for Tennessee before it gets better, and I am doing my best not to be a Chicken Little by chalking this season up as a failure before it is even underway.  On the bright side … the season continues!

RECAP OF LAST WEEKEND:

Heisman contender Beanie Wells is hurt everyone!  He injured his foot last week against Youngstown St., and all I could think was that he deserved it.  When your star running back is still carrying the load when you are winning big over Youngstown St. (I think they were up by about thirty), then you are flirting with disaster.  Another big story from the weekend was East Carolina’s upset of Virginia Tech, so someone must have been taking my advice in Charlotte.  I love how they got the win in such dramatic fashion, and that is what I love so much about sports. That loss was the beginning of an embarrassing day for the ACC.  Tennessee lost (see how I bury this in the middle?).  Auburn  beat the jeebus out of ULM like I thought they would.  I didn’t watch the game, but I listened to part of it on the radio.  The 300+ rushing yards is something to cheer about, but only 85 pass yards?  Seriously?  Oh well, I am a big believer in rushing the football (unlike Tennessee’s coaches), so I guess it’s not that bad of a problem to have.  Hey, did everyone hear that Beanie Wells got hurt on Saturday?  And that he is a Heisman contender?  It was his foot, and this is a big loss for Ohio State football.  I never saw Alabama coming out and doing what they did, and it was very impressive.  I even used the adjective “great” when I referred to their performance in that game.  Their offense looked pretty good, and I think they have something special in that Ingram kid.  They also looked really good on defense and only allowed three points (special teams also allowed a touchdown).  I am not sure if it is time to declare them “back” or pick them to win the West, but this is a good way to start the year.  It was an ACC team, though, so the jury is going to be out at least for a little while.  USC jumped Georgia in one poll to take over the number one spot in one of the polls, while in the other poll they jumped both Georgia and Ohio St.  I don’t put much stock in preseason polls, but can someone please explain to me how Georgia wins by 24 and Ohio St. wins by 43, yet they still get jumped in the polls?  As Will said, “One year the polls matter, and the next year they don’t.  I don’t understand.”  I don’t think anyone can explain it except to say that it is USC.  USC would never. EVER. get jumped in a poll after they won a game by even half that margin over any team.  I guess it is what it is though: can’t change it because the pollsters and the media love USC, and to keep whining about it would be like whining because you were born the youngest of your family.  In closing up the recap, Heisman Contender Beanie Wells was injured in his game on Saturday.  It was his foot.  BREAKING NEWS: There is no news on Beanie Wells’ foot yet, but we will keep posting BREAKING NEWS updates to tell you that there is no news as the day goes on.  Hopefully this won’t affect his Heisman chances because Herbstreit will probably hang himself in Corso’s office.

THIS WEEK:

This week’s games brought to you by the ACC anti-dominance, Georgia’s futile title hopes (Yes, it makes its second appearance because of USC), and consecutive opening game losses. AP Rankings appear this week because now some teams have done at least something to show that they deserve it, while others have shown they don’t (just look at the top of this post at the confused guy in the orange polo). All game times Eastern and all bias South.

Thursday 8/28

#24 South Carolina @ Vanderbilt – This game is already over because I didn’t get this out on time.  Sorry I didn’t get this posted sooner, and you have to miss out on my usual snarky comments about Steve Spurrier and the Commodores.  Oh, what the heck, I will do it anyway.  How ’bout them ‘Dores?  WOW, I can’t believe they picked off South Carolina.  That is two consecutive victories over South Carolina for Vandy, and they remain undefeated in 2008.  Every time a scoreboard clock ticks zero, another team’s fans die a little inside each time, and this time those souls just happen to belong to huge 2001: A Space Odyssey fans.  You know, every time I hear that song I think of those goofy grocery store commercials that used to play this.  See that huge turkey? – IT’S SO DRAMATIC!  With South Carolina losing this game 24-17, you may be thinking, “Patrick, how in the world did a team with only 225 yards of total offense, which was 100 less than South Carolina, actually win this game?”  The answer to that question is easy, mah friends: TURNOVERS.  Just ask UCLA what happens when you have interceptions/fumbles.  Oh wait, WHAT!?!?  Tennessee didn’t capitalize on all those interceptions in the first half?  They only scored fourteen points?  Excuse me while I go throw myself out of my apartment window.

Spurrier just can’t seem to get this whole Gamecock thing to work for him out there, so I have a proposition.  This may cause many UT fans to throw up in their mouths a little bit, but they can come off of it because I actually like winning games.  For a win, I don’t mind breaking with tradition.  This whole losing thing has been really great and all for the past ten years, but I am ready for something new.  My proposal is trading coaches with South Carolina, and here is my reasoning.  Fulmer has never had any trouble beating teams like Vanderbilt (well … except for that one time), so I say we trade him to the Gamecocks – they need him so they don’t become the worst team in the East.  In return, Steve Spurrier gets to come home to his native land to coach the Vols! I am going to ignore the fact that he was born in Florida because he lived in Johnson City, Tennessee during middle school and high school and was inducted into the Tennessee Sports Hall of Fame in 2000.  Everybody wins!  Besides, Spurrier himself once said, “I simply believe that 12 years as head coach at a major university in the SEC is long enough.”  By Spurrier’s logic, Fulmer is stale by about five years at UT.  That also could be stretched to mean that we should get Spurrier under contract through 2020.  Someone get the university’s legal department on this immediately.

Saturday 8/30

Ohio @ #3 Ohio State (12:00/ESPN) – Beanie Wells is hurt and will not play, but it won’t matter.  This is going to be another bloodbath.

Georgia Tech @ Boston College (12:00/GAMEPLAN) – Here’s one of your biggest ACC battles, er … slapfights of the year.  Both won their games pretty handily last week, but I am predicting the winner to be Georgia Tech.  They racked up 350 yards rushing with six rushing touchdowns by four different guys last week, all while still managing to pass for more than 100 yards.  Suck on that one Auburn.  Fear the triple option.

Miami (OH) @ Michigan (12:00/ESPN2) – This week, I think Michigan is going to finally stop embarrassing itself.  I cheered with glee last week as Utah beat Michigan and Rich Rodriguez (who is a prick), and I hope Miami can beat them this week.  But it’s not going to happen – Michigan by 14.

So. Miss @ #9 Auburn (12:30/RAYCOM) – The Last Ride of the Daves continues this Saturday.  “Hi, Dave, good to see you this morning!”  “Oh, hello to you too, Dave, I am glad we still have employment this morning.”  (Both turning to the door opening) “DAVE! How you doing buddy?”  “Pretty good, thanks for asking, Dave.”  “Hey Dave, did you catch that Vandy game on Thursday?” “No I didn’t Dave, I was busy getting our handheld camcorder ready for the game on Saturday.” —- Do you think it is actually that confusing at work for them?  Maybe they call each other by their last names or something, I dunno.  Coming up next on CSS: Behind the Scenes With the Dave Triple Option.  Wonder what the over/under on Auburn rushing yards is this week?  300?  400?  700?  If there is such a thing, my friend Big Baby a.k.a. Bets will know and he will also have $50 on it.  Auburn is going to win, and at least we get to watch them on television this week.

Furman @ Virginia Tech (3:30) – Unranked and Untelevised – THIS IS ACC FOOTBALL!  Virginia Tech redeems themselves this week, if you can call beating the crap out of Furman redemption.  I hope Furman beats them, too, but don’t count on it.  You are all going to think this is really crazy – but I had never noticed that thing on Beamer’s neck before Saturday.  You may be shocked by my obliviousness, but I look at people’s character, not their physical deformities.  Anyway, that thing is HUGE, and I think that the reason I have never noticed is because it wasn’t the size of a canteloupe and glowing bright orange until this season.

Central Michigan @ #2 Georgia (3:30/GAMEPLAN) – I wouldn’t have doubted all the Georgia hype so much had I realized that they were playing a bunch of high school teams this year.  Georgia wins, even if Knowshon is a Knowshow.

Cincinnati @ #4 Oklahoma (3:30/ABC) – I hope Bob Stoops loses this game, and while he’s on the way back to his car a meteor destroys his truck right in front of his eyes. With his dog in it. In honor of my leaving the Texas Longhorns out of my preview last week, I am declaring this “Hate Oklahoma Week.”  I think a Cincy win would more than make up for my oversight.  Plus, Cincinnati’s head coach Brian Kelly is second behind Spurrier on my “One day when Fulmer finally gets fired head coaching wish list.”  I am picking the upset, GO BEARCATS!

Ole Miss @ #20 Wake Forest (3:30/ABC) – Until last weekend, it had been five years since the Ole Miss Rebels scored forty points on a team.  Help me Houston Nutt, you’re my only hope.  You know, they were idiots for getting rid of Cutcliffe, and I think Nutt can do well for himself there, at least as good as Cut did.  What Ole Miss fans have to come to grips with is the fact that if they win 9 games, that’s like a championship for them.  And if Nutt wins ten games or more, yall better start erecting the sign that says “Houston Nutt Grove.”  Don’t expect a repeat of last week’s big win on Saturday, as Wake Forest is no slouch.  Evidently, Ole Miss’ new “Wild Rebel Formation” is pretty potent offensively, but I think Wake’s defense can match it.  Wake wins in a close one.

Also at 3:30: Tennessee Tech @ Louisville and Citadel @ Clemson – More untelevised ACC football!  YES!  Based on both of these teams performances this past weekend, you have to like the chances of Tech and Citadel.  Together, powerhouses Louisville (which as The Judge corrected me – is in the Big East – I got my weak BCS conferences confused) and Clemson scored a whopping 12 points, which consisted of a kick return touchdown, a field goal, and a safety.  No offensive touchdowns for these guys because they remain so convinced that defense wins championships that they have given up on their offense.  Still, Tech and Citadel are … well, they are still Tech and Citadel.  The Cards and Tigers both win.

San Diego St. @ Notre Dame (3:43/NBC) – Notre Dame plays its first game this week, and NBC’s love affair contract with Notre Dame continues.  You gotta love the 3:43 kickoff, and things like the 3:43 game are my favorite things about college football.  I am going to incorporate this type of thing into my own life.  Next time I set up something with my friends – “Meet me at B-Dubs at 11:52.”  Expect Notre Dame to come out pretty strong after working hard to redeem themselves from last year.  Jimmy Clausen is poised to have a pretty good year after her (yes, her) performance, if you can call it that, last year.  Weis knows that Notre Dame is a “Win or get the hell out” kind of place, so this has to be the year he delivers.  While I don’t expect them to rattle off eleven wins as Great Grandpa Holtz predicts, they should have a respectable season.  Notre Dame starts off with a victory in this one, which is a mite better than last year’s opening lashing by Georgia Tech.

#8 West Virginia @ East Carolina (4:30/ESPN) – Please Pirates just do it again.  For Skip to my Lou.  For all of us.

Norfolk State @ Kentucky (6:00) – Kentucky makes it 2-0 this week with the win over Norfolk St.  I am sorry I doubted them last week, and I wish the Kentuckians more wins before they run into the buzz saw that is the SEC.  At this point, I am hoping for Tennessee to beat Alabama and Kentucky, even if they lose the rest of their games.  We have to keep that big win streak alive over our traditional rival, and ruining Alabama’s National Championship hopes (yes, they really believe this) would make my year. I am flying by the seat of my pants here, but I think our 23-win streak over Kentucky is the longest in the country after Navy’s defeat of Notre Dame last year.  That makes me happy, and I don’t ever want to lose it.

Western Carolina @ Florida State (6:00) – Bobby Bowden can’t wait to get on the field to get his JoePa feud rolling again.  It’s all tied up, folks!  Who will be the first to die lose a game?

Tulane @ #13 Alabama (7:00/GAMEPLAN) – Alabama fans are mumbling the words “national championship” again in their home state.  Are they back?  Was the Clemcake overrated?  Was Alabama underrated?  Is the Sports Illustrated jinx alive and well?  We will know the answer to all of those questions soon, but I don’t think the Green Wave is going to help us with any of them.  Despite Alabama’s having a difficult time beating teams from Louisiana lately (LSU, UL-Monroe), they will have zero trouble dispatching Tulane back to the hurricane recovery area.  On the bright side, Tulane has been practicing at Samford in Birmingham, just up the road from Tuscaloosa, so they won’t have to drive far to take their beating.  It’s going to be a long trip home though.  Everything on Alabama’s team looked great last week, and I am patiently waiting to figure out what the wrench in their gears is going to be.

Southeastern Louisiana @ Mississippi State (7:00) – Croom gets a win after falling flat against Louisiana Tech last week.  To quote myself, “The Bulldogs could be in trouble down in Ruston.” And so they were.

Maryland @ MTSU (7:00) – Come on Middle Tennessee, avenge an old one for Tennesseans everywhere.  I was at that game.  UGH.  It was one of the most miserable experiences of my life, and I have the pictures to prove it.  Maryland will still win this one unfortunately.

Arkansas @ Louisiana-Monroe (7:00/GAMEPLAN) – Lousiana-Monroe’s SEC Sampler Platter tastes delicious.  Arkansas gives them some more.

Miami (FL) @ #5 Florida (8:00/ESPN) – This is what this week has come to.  There are no games of the week this week, but if I had to pick one this would be it. I am not making it one because frankly, this isn’t the game that it once was.  Florida is going to score at least 40 and take the win.

Troy @ #7 LSU (POSTPONED) – The Trojans live to fight another day … and that day is November 15.  “The welfare of the people of Baton Rouge, the uncertain power issues facing all of us and the condition of Tiger Stadium were all factors in making this decision.  We are fortunate that both schools had a common open date later in the year. I am appreciative of the cooperation of the good people at Troy for their understanding of this situation.” – Joe Alleva, LSU Athletic Director

#10 Texas @ UTEP (10:15/ESPN2) – Sweet! We have a Texas battle to lull us all to sleep after a long day o’ college football.  The good news is that Texas is going to run away with it, so you won’t feel like your missing anything when you fall asleep.  Texas should have a pretty good year, but let’s face it: 1) This is SEC country, 2) Bevo isn’t that cool to look at, and 3) the games aren’t exciting yet.  Oh, and Texas’s version of orange sucks.  Next week, Texas plays Rice in what’s sure to be another high scoring game … for Texas that is.  Colorado the following week is a little bit more interesting, but then they meet the Sooners on October 11.  I will have plenty to say about that one.  I have already said this once because it’s HATE OKLAHOMA WEEK, but GO BEARCATS!

Tennessee @ Berry Funeral Home (ALL WEEKEND) – Tennessee fans visit Knoxville’s Berry Funeral home to mourn the derailment of our program. Many tears will be shed.

Until next week, folks!  I, for one, am going to enjoy a stress-free, don’t have to watch my team lose weekend!

Comments and hate mail are welcome, so have at it.